18 - aastane tüdruk tuleb koju ja teatab vanematele shokeeriva uudise - ta tegi rasedustesti ja selgus, et ootab nüüd last! Emal hakkasid silmist pisarad lendama nagu purskkaevust, aina nutab. Isalgi kulm kortsus ja mõru nägu peas, küsib, et kes too siga siis oli ka, kes tüdrukule noores eas sellise häda kaela tõi.
Tüdruk võtab telefoni ja helistab. Natukese aja pärast peatub maja ees tuttuus Ferrari, millest astub välja soliidne keskealine härrasmees. Koputab uksele, pühib jalad puhtaks, astub elutuppa ja teatab: "Teie tütar rääkis mulle oma probleemist. Asi on selles, et ma ei saa temaga abielluda, kuna mul endal on pere. Aga ma olen aumees ja asja niimoodi ma ka kohe kindlasti ei jäta. Ühesõnaga, plaan on selline, et kui sünnib tütar, pärandan ma talle kakskümmend miljonit, kaks poodi, villa rannal ja ühe maja linnaservas. Kui aga peaks tulema poiss, siis saab ta nelikümmend miljonit ja paar vabrikut. Kui kaksikud, siis saavad mõlemad ühe vabriku ja kakskümmend miljonit näkku. Aga kui on nurisünnitus - vaat, siis ma küll ei tea, mis teha."
Isa käsi langeb mehe õlale ja sõbralikult otsa vaadates ütleb ta: "Siis paned sa teda uuesti."
Who says men never remember anniversarys....
Wife wakes up in the middle of the night, and her husbands not in the bed...
She goes downstairs to see him sitting looking thoughtful, with a glass of wine and a cigarette..
"Whats wrong love?" she asks...
"Do you remember 20 yrs ago today, we were sitting outside your parents house in my old car?" he asks..
"Yes love" she replies...
"And do you remember your father sticking his double barrelled shotgun in through my window, and telling me, that unless I married you, he'd get me 20 yrs in prison?" he said...
"Yes love" she says with a tear in her eye, "is that what you're thinking about tonite?"
"Aye" he says....
"I'd be getting f**kin'out today!!!"
A parrot swallows a viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, p*** him in the freezer to cool off.Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating." How come ur sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies " do u know how f**king hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken"
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
Straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child."
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86- year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied and apologises.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...."Try doing it with the engine running.."
1988. aastal arutas Tartu Ülikooli nõukogu küsimust, kas keelata tudengitel enne eksameid kohvi juua, kuna see on otsekui dopinguks.
Selle peale tõusis püsti professor Lembit Allikmets ja ütles: "Mina ei tea ühtegi keemilist ainet, mis tooks tudengitel välja teadmisi, mida neil ei ole." Arutelu lõpetati naeru saatel.
Uus ja kuum klubiürituste sari Pihkvas - pipragaasipidu!
Jalakäijal on alati õigus - kuni ta elus on.
