He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or get out of the pond...
I only came to feed my alligators!"
###
The difference between having Guts and having Ball
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
###
Esimene harjutus, algajatele.
Kolm nõida vahivad kolme Swatch kella. Milline nõid vahib millist kella?
Ja nüüd inglise keeles:
Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watches which Swatch watch?
Teine harjutus, inglise keel edasijõudnutele:
Kolm transvestiidist nõida vahivad kolme nuppu Swatch kellal. Milline transvestiidist nõid vahib millist nuppu?
Ja nüüd inglise keeles:
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?
Kolmas ja viimane harjutus, täielikele proffidele:
Kolm Shveitsi transvestiidist nõida, kes soovivad ennast ümber lõigata, vahivad kolme nuppu Swatch kellal. Milline ümberlõikust ootav transvestiidist nõid vahib millist nuppu?
Ja nüüd see kõik inglise keeles:
Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?
###
Very Drunk
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not t O slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
####
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank!"
"OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!"
####
Kui ma olin 14, tahtsin endale mingitki tüdruksõpra.
16 aastaselt leidsin endale neiu, kuid seal polnud mingitki kirge. Seega otsustasin, et vajan kirglikku neidu kellel oleks janu elu järele.
Ülikoolis kohtusin kirgliku neiuga, aga ta oli liiga emotsionaalne. Kõik tema elus oli nagu hädaolukord, jube dramakuninganna, nuttis koguaeg ja ähvardas end ära tappa. Seega otsustasin, et vajan endale neidu kes on stabiilsem.
25selt kohtusin stabiilse neiuga, aga ta oli igav. Ta oli täiesikult etteaimatav ning ei erutunud millestki. Elu oli nii igav, et otsustasin, et vajan neidu kellega oleks koos erutav.
28selt kohtusin erutava neiuga, aga ei suutnud temaga sammu pidada. Ta kiirustas ühelt asjalt teisele, kunagi ei süvenenud millessegi. Ta käitus impulsiivselt ning muutis mind samapalju õnnetuks kui ka õnnelikuks. Ta oli suurepäraselt lahe, väga energiline, kuid tal polnud sihti. Seega otsustasin et vajan neidu, kes oleks ambitsioonikas.
31selt kohtusin ambitsioonika neiuga, kellel olid jalad kindlalt maas ja abiellusin temaga. Ta oli nii ambotsioonikas, et lahutas minust ja võtis kõik mis mul oli.
Nüüd olen vanem ja targem ja vaatan naisi kellel on suured rinnad.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not t O slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
####
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank!"
"OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!"
####
Kui ma olin 14, tahtsin endale mingitki tüdruksõpra.
16 aastaselt leidsin endale neiu, kuid seal polnud mingitki kirge. Seega otsustasin, et vajan kirglikku neidu kellel oleks janu elu järele.
Ülikoolis kohtusin kirgliku neiuga, aga ta oli liiga emotsionaalne. Kõik tema elus oli nagu hädaolukord, jube dramakuninganna, nuttis koguaeg ja ähvardas end ära tappa. Seega otsustasin, et vajan endale neidu kes on stabiilsem.
25selt kohtusin stabiilse neiuga, aga ta oli igav. Ta oli täiesikult etteaimatav ning ei erutunud millestki. Elu oli nii igav, et otsustasin, et vajan neidu kellega oleks koos erutav.
28selt kohtusin erutava neiuga, aga ei suutnud temaga sammu pidada. Ta kiirustas ühelt asjalt teisele, kunagi ei süvenenud millessegi. Ta käitus impulsiivselt ning muutis mind samapalju õnnetuks kui ka õnnelikuks. Ta oli suurepäraselt lahe, väga energiline, kuid tal polnud sihti. Seega otsustasin et vajan neidu, kes oleks ambitsioonikas.
31selt kohtusin ambitsioonika neiuga, kellel olid jalad kindlalt maas ja abiellusin temaga. Ta oli nii ambotsioonikas, et lahutas minust ja võtis kõik mis mul oli.
Nüüd olen vanem ja targem ja vaatan naisi kellel on suured rinnad.
###
noored ja värskelt abiellunud ja tüdruk rasedaks jäänud.lähevad siis arsti juurde.arst seletab siis pikalt,kuidas enda ja lapse eest hoolitseda.lõpuks küsib"kas mingeid küsimusi on?"..."kuidas selle sugueluga jääb?kas võib ja kuidas võib?äkki oskate midagi soovitada?"küsib mees.arst siis vastab"esimesed 3 kuud laske rahulikult edasi nii palju kui tahate ja mis poosis tahate.järgmised 3 kuud koerapoosis ja viimased 3 kuud hundipoosis.""mnjaa..."sügab mees pead..."koerapoosi ma tean,aga kuidas see hundipoos veel käib???""lebad augu kõrval ja ulud...."
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